Krazy KT

One of those days..

One of those days where it seems like nothing is going my way.

One of those days where I feel so overwhelmed, I don't know where to begin.

One of those days that I'm REALLY missing my dad.

One of those days where I feel like I can't catch a break.

One of those days I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

One of those days where I wonder if I'm going to be able to successfully do this again.

One of those days that my mind won't slow down and my body can't catch up.

One of those days that even after a walk and play time, Choppy isn't giving me a break.

One of those days where Princess and Chopper won't stop fighting.

One of those days that I haven't given up, yet I still keep hitting walls.

One of those days I think to myself how much can I really take?

One of those days I just feel so hopeless, but I won't give up.

One of those days I just feel so alone.

One of those days that I think to myself the storm has to end one of these days, right?

One of those days that I just have to keep telling myself.. it's just one of "those" days.

just another day..

  Not a whole lot of interesting stuff going on with me. I've been getting a lot done, but nothing exciting. My store is ready to go up! I'm excited about that! I still keep plugging away at it, TONS of products and companies to add to it still. I just keep telling myself baby steps. I know my Dad would be proud that I've finally got my act together. I don't think he would be too proud of the fact that it's taken me this long though.

Sunday, is my 23rd birthday. Things have been really hard for me lately. I am trying to use my tears as my drive to keep going. I just don't know when I will feel like "me" again though. I am having a really hard time accepting that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday with my whole family. My Dad's never missed my birthday. I keep telling myself over and over that this is real to try and help me understand all of this and accept it but it's just not working. I don't want to do anything special for my birthday, so I'm not. I just want it to be like every other day, and hopefully it won't hurt too bad. I do want to go see the new "Role Models" so I think we might do that. I have wanted to see it since I saw the previews on the last movie we saw in theaters, so I just have an excuse to see it now. Which reminds me.. I canceled the crop I was suppose to be vending at tomorrow. I just haven't been feeling like doing much that involves people and I knew I would be pretty upset so I decided I wasn't going. I mean who wants to deal with a vendor that keeps crying, because I'm sure that's what people would have to deal with.

A couple weeks ago, my Dad's friends Chuck and Karen came over, and Jason. Chuck, Jason and Brandon cleaned out my Dad's shed. I worked on some ATC's and Karen and my mom talked. It is amazing how much crap he crammed in that thing!! I mean how many Folgers cans of nails and screws does one guy need?!?

And my brother even assisted for a little bit!

Art Journal

Obviously it's been longer then a day since I blogged, but I figured what's it matter no one reads this thing anyway... lol.. A couple weeks ago I came across the blog of the AMAZING Rachel Denbow. I've been to her blog plenty of times before but this time was different. She was talking about the art journal class she was offering on etsy through her blog. It was perfect timing because I have been wanting to find a way to express my feelings but scrapbooking just wasn't going to work for me. I figured an art journal would be a place I could unleash my anger and true feelings, but I didn't know where to begin. So, I decided to sign up for Rachel's first art journal class. I LOVED it!! I haven't actually done any of it yet, but I followed along and know that I'll enjoy doing it. I planned on working on it that weekend at the crop I was vending at, but decided last minute that the crop might not be the best place to work on it. I figured I'd get pretty emotional while doing it. I emailed Rachel and told her how much I LOVED the first class and thought it was exactly what I needed to help deal with the loss of my Dad. She sent me the second and third class too! I was and am still so excited! I can't wait to get started on it! If you get a chance be sure to check them out in Rachel's etsy shop!

The next day, I was checking out scrap scene and saw that Dina Wakley was doing an online class at Debbie Hodge's Get it Scrapped Online Classes. I love Dina's work and her art journals are awesome! I decided right away I had to sign up for her Art Journaling 101 Class! I'm in my third week of the class and LOVING every minute of it!! I have actually been following along with the class, which is why I haven't done Rachel's class yet. I can't wait to do Rachel's, but I wanted to be able to really follow along in Dina's class. All i've got to show is some painted Art Journal backgrounds that I posted in my flickr album, not the most exciting thing.. but I'm going to share them anyway since I'm so proud of them.. lol.. and all the texture I did on them with Gesso. You can't really see it too good in photos but here they are anyway..

Scrap Happy Yard Sale!!

I need to just not say I'm going to try to blog more, because every time I do it takes me even longer to blog again. I have so much to say and never know how to say it. Let's start with what's been consuming most of my time lately.. my mom decided to have a yard sale this weekend since quite a few people in the neighborhood are. I've been helping go through stuff for the sale. That's been so tough since most of the stuff packed away in closets was put there by my Dad, not to mention all the little things I'm finding that remind me of him and then usually lead to tears. Since I keep having issue after issue with trying to have a warehouse sale, I decided that I'd try to unload a TON of stuff from the store that I priced and boxes up for the sale. SOOO I'm hoping that maybe some of you will come out and check it out! We are actually doing the yard sale for two days. There's going to be  stuff on Sunday that wasn't there on Saturday too if I get rid of plenty the first day. I promise you won't be disappointed if you come check it out!

Here's the info:

Sat. 10/4 & Sun 10/5 8:00-4:00

2250 Fawn Haven Ct. Eldersburg, MD 21784 (410)-549-7673

Off Liberty Road & Sunset Drive

Lots & Lots of Scrapbooking Supplies, Holiday Decor & Costumes, Game Cube, Clothes, Silk Plants, Housewares.

And I hate to post without any pictures but I'll have to add one later if I can. I took the cutest pics. of the pups yesterday. My computer crashed last night and I am using my brothers lap top to write this, which is so slow!!!! Well I have to call Sony now about my lap top my warranty expires in 7 days, so I guess I'm lucky it crashed when it did.

Oh and on a side note.. any ideas what I could blog about?!? LOL.. It's not like anyone really reads this thing anymore but I feel like most of my blog posts are such downers so any suggestions??? I'd love to do a Q&A but you have to actually have blog readers to do that.. lol

AND if your a local that would like to be added to my local newsletter please leave me a comment on this post. I want to create another newsletter group of locals so I don't have to send newsletters to everyone on my list involving this stuff. Thanks!!!

it's been 6 months...

Today is has been 6 months since my Dad passed away. It seems as unreal to me today as it did that day at the hospital. I can't believe it's been that long already. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been told.. don't worry it will get easier with time. I have to say I didn't believe it then, and I still don't believe it now. I can't imagine it getting easier, ever. I've come to the conclusion that it won't ever get easier, I won't ever "get over it" and I won't ever be able to stop asking the same questions and never get an answer about it all. It's just about learning to deal with it. I am doing just that these days, in my own time.

I wish I could say I've been doing good these past couple months, but the truth is I haven't. Most days I feel like I'm just holding on by a thread. The last six months for me have been spent not doing a whole lot of anything really. I spent the first 2 months just laying on the couch crying and not getting up much or even really showering. I spent most of my time feeling sorry for myself I suppose. Asking over and over again why me? Why my family? What did we do to deserve this? Is this for real? Is he really gone forever? Am I really never going to be able to see my Daddy again?

I guess about a month ago it hit me that it has almost been six months and I couldn't believe it, and still can't. I was thinking to myself what have I accomplished in the last six months?? Sure I've worked on inputting images to get the store up again, and sold stuff on ebay to help by my bills, but I mean what have I really done? I didn't work consistently on getting the store up because I was like a roller coaster ride, up and down all the time. It wasn't until the last month or so where I actually started pushing myself and realize that I have to move forward. My Father would so not want me living like this and he certainly wouldn't be very proud of me knowing the last six months of my life I didn't do much of anything.

It actually really hit me when I was laying in bed one night crying, I spent most nights crying myself to sleep. I realized that the last year and a half have been nothing but one thing after another for me. Pretty much anything that could go wrong did go wrong in my life. It started pretty much after I returned from CHA winter 2007. Not long after I returned my Uncle Eddy unexpectedly ended up in the hospital and ended up passing away. After that it just seemed to be one thing after another. I tried to stay positive, but I mean how much can one person really take?

It wasn't until a little over two weeks ago that I started to really try to move forward and get my life going again. To be honest I guess it started with my melt down, after a bird pooped on me. The bird didn't hit me just once, but twice. Once in my hair and then on my shoulder. I couldn't believe it. I'm like what else could possibly happen to me. I was told by several people later on that apparently that's suppose to be good luck. I'm like yeah ok.. how is a bird pooping on you good luck? I have to say I've been doing pretty good since then! I don't know if it's a coincidence or not but since the poop incident things haven't been too bad. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that. I still cry almost every day, and not a minute goes by that I don't think about my Father but I've realized I want to make my Dad proud. I want to be able to make it through all of this, as impossible as it seems.

My Tiny little Pup

I came across these photos the other day of my little Chopper over one year ago on May 5, 2007, my Dad's birthday. I can't help but think that although the past year and a half have been HORRIBLE for me, one good thing did happen. This little guy came into my life, even if he's not that little anymore!

I took him to the vet a little over a month ago he weighs 63 pounds now. I had to take him to the vet because he had gotten two ticks while we were at Brandon's sisters. They were really, really little, but they looked fine after we got them out. About a week later they had gotten pretty infected and I thought maybe we had left the mouth or something in there, which is why we went to the vet. He was tested for lime disease and came up negative, but it could take weeks for it to show up in his blood. To be on the safe side the vet put him on some meds, twice a day for one month. He just finished them up and all looks good. I worried a bit much though about it. The medicine he was on had him just laying around and not doing much of anything. I'm glad he's done with it though and my wild pup Chopper is back!

I can't believe that just a year ago this little guy could fit in both of my hands....

And now well.. he's a bit bigger! :-)

I realize this isn't the most exciting post.. but I am going to try to blog more.. and not always sound so down, even if I am. So wish me luck!

My best buddy Mandy tagged me, and I'm embarrassed to say it was quite some time ago but I'm still doing it! LOL! I am always bummed no one ever tags me and I guess that's why. Anyway.. here it goes!

So here are the rules of the game:

Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post the player then tags 4 people and posts their names with links to their blog, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answers.

Question #1
what was i doing 10 years ago?

hmmmmmm 10 years ago... I was 12 .. LOL sooooo let me think.. I think I actually was in Florida or the Bahamas with my family on vacation. It was me, my brother and my mom and my dad.


Question #2
5 things on my to do list for today:

well.. today is almost over.. so I'll do tomorrows to do list.. finish uploading Art Warehouse.. answer emails.. send out stuff that ended today on ebay.. read my Creating Keepsakes magazine and finish watching dexter season 1!


Question #3
snacks i enjoy:

chocolate .. anything chocolate.. ice cream.. stuff with peanut butter in it..


Question #4
things i would do if i were a millionaire

hmmm.. I'd probably live every day like it's my last without worrying about work much and lay by the beach with my friends and family.


Question #5
places i have lived

Eldersburg, Parkville, & Perry Hall


OK so my 4 tags go to......

Wendy

Cheryl

Karen

Danni

I'm pretty sure that at least 2 of the people I tagged won't do it .. LOL.. but tough stuff...

And I just had to share these photos of Chopper from this past winter. He LOVES playing in the snow! Him and Princess both do!

The ribbon display

I went to my store today, Jeremy and Chopper came along with me to get things ready for the big warehouse sale and my maintenance guy Dennis stopped in. I hadn't seen him in months, since before my Dad's accident. He asked me where I've been and I told him about my Father and how hard it was for me to even come to the store, for at least 2 months after his accident. I tried a couple times but I just had panic attacks once I opened the door and ended up leaving. He knew how much my Father had done for me and how he was in there doing everything he could to get it all set up, because Dennis was there too; getting things straightened out that needed to be done me being a new tenant and all.

Dennis walked in just as I was ready to have a melt down and I was fighting back the tears. The last time my Dad was at my store was when we had dropped my ribbon display off. I bought it from Recollections when they went out of business. The whole thing had to be taken apart to get it out of there and to my store because of how large it was. It was late and we were tired and just set it in the doorway against the wall and he said he'd put it together later. That was fine with me because I was tired too. We were all hungry and my brother and his friend had to help us get it out of the truck, and they weren't trying to stay around any longer then they had to. Well my Dad never made it back to put that display together. I think that's one reason why it was so hard for me to go back there. It just sat in the doorway. So today Jeremy and I put it together. I couldn't figure out some of it and was getting so frustrated. I was so mad because my Dad was suppose to be there helping me put it together. When he was taking it apart I told him "I'll never figure out how to put it back together." He said "Don't worry about it! I'll know how to put it back together." Well, he wasn't there to help me. As I felt my eyes start to well up the door opened and there was Dennis.

Shortly after Dennis left I said lets call it quits. I just wanted to get out of there. It's amazing how in an instant I just realize it's real. So I didn't get as much as I planned to done today at all, but I did get home just in time to relieve my mom of Maddy. She was having a rough day and Maddy wasn't too happy either. It turns out Maddy wasn't too happy because she was cutting her first tooth!

Will you vote for me?!? :-)

Wendy sent me a link asking me to vote for her in this photo contest.. so of course I did. You can check out her pictures and vote HERE. While there I saw they had a pet photo contest going on so I figured I'd give it a go. So if you have a minute and could vote for my oh so adorable pup Chopper.. I'd be forever grateful!!!!!!!! :-) It ends in 8 days... HERE IT IS!!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~EDITED TO ADD~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have several photos in different categories .. please check them out and vote if you want. You can view them all HERE. Also, my bestest gal pal Mandy has some on there. Check them out too while your there HERE! Thanks!!

Anger..

The sites coming along slowly, I'm almost done with Creative Imaginations. I have a long way to go since it's so screwed up. I'm back to plugging away at it. I just have lots and lots of bad days where I don't get much done, if anything. I'm embarrassed to say it's been a year since the sites been up and running correctly so I am trying to stay motivated. It's just hard. I miss my Dad so much.. it still doesn't seem real and I just want him back. I have a lot of anger .. that seems to be a big problem for me these days.. I'm struggling with that too. I'm angry at life.. angry at god.. furious with my sister.. the anger I feel towards her is worse then I've ever felt before... I'm angry at the jerks whose shop my father was at when he fell.. angry at myself for not being able to function .. angry that I'm not able to get it together and do what would make my dad proud.. I've been crying a lot .. it just doesn't seem real and the littlest thing sets me off and the tears start pouring.. So that's what going on with me these days not much progress. I'm trying but most days are more of a struggle than others.

I'll leave you wish some photos of the pups and everyone hanging out by the pool..

I just get overwhelmed if I worry about back bloggin.. so I decided to take it day by day and go from here. I'll post about the past month or so a little at a time in my posts.

Dad's Guest book..

I finally wrote in my Dad's guest book HERE. I wanted to post it on my blog too though..

Three and a half months it's been.. I still feel like it's not real. I try so hard to move forward, but I can't. I still wait for him.. I could never express the pain I truly feel of not having my Father here with me today. It's just not fair. I will never have my Father walk me down the isle on my wedding day or have my dance with him to butterfly kisses. He will never get to hold my child one day .. he will never get to walk through the garage door and say "I love you baby girl." I will never understand why this has happended and certainly will never understand it.

All I keep hearing from everyone is it will get easier with time. Well I'm finding everyday harder then the one before most of the time. The past couple months have just been one first after another without him .. Easter.. my parents anniversary April 30.. My Dad's birthday May 5.. My Moms birthday May 17.. Jeremys Birthday May 18.. Mothers day.. Fathers Day.. It's just not fare.

I have come to this guest book to write at least 20 times but can never bring myself to do it. I guess I just don't want to admit it's real. I guess I figured if I wrote here it would be official.. he would really be gone. No matter what though the loss of my Daddy at this point in my life will never seem real. It can't be right?

I saw him just 20 mins. before we got the call .. he said i'm goin up to the shop for a bit and I'll be back. I gave him a hug and a kiss.. said "bye .. I love you.. be careful." I haven't been able to hug him or give him a kiss or tell him I love him since..........

I just want my Daddy back.