Today is has been 6 months since my Dad passed away. It seems as unreal to me today as it did that day at the hospital. I can't believe it's been that long already. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been told.. don't worry it will get easier with time. I have to say I didn't believe it then, and I still don't believe it now. I can't imagine it getting easier, ever. I've come to the conclusion that it won't ever get easier, I won't ever "get over it" and I won't ever be able to stop asking the same questions and never get an answer about it all. It's just about learning to deal with it. I am doing just that these days, in my own time.
I wish I could say I've been doing good these past couple months, but the truth is I haven't. Most days I feel like I'm just holding on by a thread. The last six months for me have been spent not doing a whole lot of anything really. I spent the first 2 months just laying on the couch crying and not getting up much or even really showering. I spent most of my time feeling sorry for myself I suppose. Asking over and over again why me? Why my family? What did we do to deserve this? Is this for real? Is he really gone forever? Am I really never going to be able to see my Daddy again?
I guess about a month ago it hit me that it has almost been six months and I couldn't believe it, and still can't. I was thinking to myself what have I accomplished in the last six months?? Sure I've worked on inputting images to get the store up again, and sold stuff on ebay to help by my bills, but I mean what have I really done? I didn't work consistently on getting the store up because I was like a roller coaster ride, up and down all the time. It wasn't until the last month or so where I actually started pushing myself and realize that I have to move forward. My Father would so not want me living like this and he certainly wouldn't be very proud of me knowing the last six months of my life I didn't do much of anything.
It actually really hit me when I was laying in bed one night crying, I spent most nights crying myself to sleep. I realized that the last year and a half have been nothing but one thing after another for me. Pretty much anything that could go wrong did go wrong in my life. It started pretty much after I returned from CHA winter 2007. Not long after I returned my Uncle Eddy unexpectedly ended up in the hospital and ended up passing away. After that it just seemed to be one thing after another. I tried to stay positive, but I mean how much can one person really take?
It wasn't until a little over two weeks ago that I started to really try to move forward and get my life going again. To be honest I guess it started with my melt down, after a bird pooped on me. The bird didn't hit me just once, but twice. Once in my hair and then on my shoulder. I couldn't believe it. I'm like what else could possibly happen to me. I was told by several people later on that apparently that's suppose to be good luck. I'm like yeah ok.. how is a bird pooping on you good luck? I have to say I've been doing pretty good since then! I don't know if it's a coincidence or not but since the poop incident things haven't been too bad. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that. I still cry almost every day, and not a minute goes by that I don't think about my Father but I've realized I want to make my Dad proud. I want to be able to make it through all of this, as impossible as it seems.
WOW..your post made me tear up girl, I know that was not your intention but it is just so deep, my grandmother, whom I considered my mom passed away in June and that was the hardest plane ride I had to take. It will get better, at least I tell myself that, and their are days I can relate so much to what you are saying. Head up beautiful..he see's you and is with you and I promise . .. he is SMILING
Sasha
Posted by: Sasha | September 10, 2008 at 09:32 AM
I'm sorry about your dad... and the rough time you've been having. My dad passed away 8 years ago and I still really miss him. I wish there was something I could say to make things better. I hope things start getting easier for you soon.
Posted by: Leigh | September 10, 2008 at 06:50 PM
Oh KT how I understand your pain and loss. It is very normal to go thru a mourning period and it is healthy that you have allowed yourself this time. However I am glad to hear that you recognize your pain and are ready for all the possibilities of a wonderful life :' ) I wish your heart to be pain free and I send you many (((hugs))), Norma K
Posted by: Norma Kennedy | September 11, 2008 at 07:05 AM
Hey girl!-part of the healing process is being able to get your feelings out in the open, no matter what they may be...why say you feel fine if you don't? Love is like that so Essandra & I are sending you HUGE cyber hugs! Hope to see you in October at the KJ crop....you could always come crop with us instead of being a vendor! It's a minute, an hour, a day a time; that's all you can worry about....to be able to be loved like that is a blessing and some people don't have that love for parents so IT'S A GOOD THING to miss him so much.
Posted by: KateB | September 11, 2008 at 10:50 AM
hey girl. just wanted to say that i don't know that it'll ever get easier, but i'm glad things are looking up for you finally. all the best to you.
Posted by: metrochic | September 13, 2008 at 09:19 PM
Hey,
Sorry about your dad. I lost my mom 2,5 years ago, to cancer. Things won't get easier, unfortunately. But somehow you learn to live with it. You get used to someone not being around. You will find your way again, though it will keep on hurting. Take as much time as you need to deal with it, you're allowed to think about yourself at this time. And if people don't understand, it's their loss...
Hugs, Mandy
Posted by: Mandy | September 14, 2008 at 02:15 AM
I read your blog frequently and I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. My Dad passed away very unexpectadly 6 years ago and 6months after his death I too felt things would never get easier and was in such a sad state myself. But I was wrong...I has gotten easier. Yes, I still miss him everyday day and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but the difference is I don't cry everyday and his "death" no longer consumes me. Today I'm able to focus on his "life" and my memories of him make me happy not sad.
It will take time and the amount of time is different for everyone..for me it was about 2years before I started feeling the way I do today.
Hang in there and know he DOES see you and he IS still with you.
Posted by: Hillary | September 14, 2008 at 09:22 AM
i have to agree with Hillary--i lost my mom 7 years ago. somehow, it does get easier, in the sense that you don't cry everyday. it's hard when you think about it, but you have to live your life. it helps me to remember my mom and all of the things i loved about her, and to tell stories about her. i also try hard to enjoy life, and not let the loss of her get me down (i have my moments, of course, like when i got married and always the month of august is hard b/c she died in august, and her birthday was in august). i think it would make her so sad if i were sad, and so i live my life the best i can, and know she is in me and with me always.
hang in there, and keep telling his stories. live your life, the life he helped you create, and know he will always be with you. and please don't think i'm saying this will happen overnight, it won't, but one day you will wake up and realize you haven't cried in a week. and that will feel good.
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: anne | September 14, 2008 at 07:28 PM
I came across your blog when your Dad first passed away. The other day I was thinking about how you were doing. It does not get easier when we suffer the loss of a loved one however, we will see them again and that should help your heart knowing that. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Amy | September 14, 2008 at 10:42 PM
still thinking of you everyday. miss you.
Posted by: trace-e | September 16, 2008 at 06:00 AM
I can't imagine how difficult this all is for you. Just know that I am still saying prayers for you and keeping you in my thoughts. I know that you will get stonger and your days will get brighter. Your dad would want that for you! Know that he is with you always and you will be reunited with him some day!Take care! Shelley
Posted by: Shelley Haganman | September 26, 2008 at 04:05 AM