26 years

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. Life's just so hard these days. I have so many questions that no one can answer. April 30th was my parents anniversary. They would have celebrated 26 years of marrige, and 31 together. It's unreal to think that one year ago to the day they were renewing their vowels. It was a surprise that my Father had put together, my Mom didn't have a clue. I told her we were going to dinner for their anniversary and she had to dress up. That's all she knew. The drive there she didn't ask too many questions until we got in Baltimore. We pulled into an alley in Baltimore and stopped. My Mom was so clueless. We got out of the car, opened the door, walked in and there was friends and family. I still remember my Mother's face, surprised doesn't begin to describe it. My Father then turned to her and pulled out the ring and asked her if she would marry him. She was overjoyed to say the least.

If you had told me a year ago my Father wouldn't be here today I never would have believed you. How could that be? He's only 52 years old, and just a few days after his anniversary (the day these photos were taken) he would be turning 53. I feel like a broken record having said this time and time again but it just feels like a horrible nightmare. Is my Father really gone? What did my family do to deserve this? Is it because we took him for granite or something? Were we too lucky to have a Father that truly loved us and wanted us to succeed at everything we did and would do anything for us to get to where we wanted to go? I just don't understand and don't think I ever will. All I know is that my life will never again be the same.

I am up and down all day long. I am so depressed and lost I can hardly function. My life is crumbling down right before me. Some days I do everything I possibly can to stay busy in order keep my mind off everything, and others I can hardly make myself get out of bed. I feel like so many people are just like get over it already, but how do I? I've always been a Daddy's girl but the real closeness that I had with my Dad started about 2 years ago, when my brother went away to school. I would have to say the last year though was really when I started to look at my Dad, not just as my Father, but a best friend. He wasn't really doing much with his construction company, he had cut back on his work load and made the decision that in January 2008 he would officially retire. Since I started the store my Father was there every step of the way and did everything in his power to help me succeed, as well as my mom. 

I have been struggling a lot lately with doing anything. I keep asking myself should I even continue with the store? I'm not happy and it's a struggle for me to even do anything with the store. I came to realize after talking with my Mom, that no matter what I do right now I'm not going to be happy because of the state of mind I'm in. The store does make me happy usually, and is what I want to do. It's what I have wanted more than anything and my Dad wanted nothing more then for me to succeed with it, so that's what I'm going to do. I am trying hard to get back on track and everyday is a struggle but I know I can do it. I've been working on plugging away at all those missing images in the store, which seems never ending. I've had several of my design team members step down for personal issues, but I'm trying to not let that get me down. I'm working with the remainder of the KTDT to plan an awesome reopening of the new store and site, as well as have a design team call. I think that in the end I will prevail and will come out on the top again. That being said, I'm going to work on bloggin more. I feel better when I do it, so I need to.

On a side note.. tomorrow is my Dad's Birthday. He would have been turning 54 years old. I'm going to go to the graveyard with my Mom, Will and Jeremy and go to Outback tomorrow for it. Outback was my Dad's favorite restaurant. So, Happy early Birthday Daddy!

Comments

[Alicia Sharp]

Happy Anniversary and Happy Birthday to him! Just keep going strong and keep your head up! Still saying prayers for you here and I think about you daily!!

[Lynn]

You didnt do anything to "deserve this". Life and death are the ways of the universe. Its not over for your dad. Its the begining of a new life that we dont understand.Young or old we die. I lost my 22yr old step daughter in an accident so I know your pain. Your dad is so proud of you and you must accept your life now as you go forward without him. I am so sorry for your pain and all of it that lies ahead.One day at a time. Step by step with your father by your side.Hugs!

[Carla]

I'm so sorry for all your pain. Your parents were certainly lucky to have such a terrific family. Some people never get that. Especially your mom, how many wives have great husbands who plan something like that? Not many. I hope you feel better.

[AnnetteD]

My dad died 2 years ago in June and it seems like only yesterday. Time does dull the ache and I'm glad you are allowing yourself your feelings.

[Donna L]

I hope you are talking to someone Katie- you sound so sad. I think you have to stop trying to think why this happened. It's not your fault and it's not for us to know why- maybe it is a testing time for your family, time to find your own strength and show the world what you can do. Please try to remember that it is us who are in hell- you father is sound and happy on the other side looking out for you. (you should know- you have seen him yourself ;) Love ya chickie. Looking forward to the opening celebrations!!

[Lisa M]

I have to be honest and say I can only imagine how your feeling because I've never walked in your shoes.. What I can say though is trust in your heart as that's where your father's spirit reins supreme. Trust your heart and keep your father's spirit alive. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be sad. He would want you to be happy each and every day... If there's anything I can do or just lend a listening ear... I'm here.. and just an email away..
Hugs,
Lisa

[Lorrie / Dnksmommy]

just wanted to offer you a {[hug}].

[Brooke]

Hang in there, girl. You seem like such a strong person. Sounds like all I've heard about your dad that you've got "it" in you to succeed!! Good to know you are following your dreams and not letting the bad stuff overcome the good. You are still in my prayers.

[greyce]

Hi, i've been quietly following your stories and i am so sad for you. you are so lucky to have had all the love, support and wonderful memories of your dad. i hope you are able to continue to write about him or talk about him with someone to help you with your very difficult, seemingly impossible time right now. i feel so badly for you and i just want to say that you need to be strong and smile again, it would hurt your father so much to see you like this. i know he would want you to continue your dreams and to know that he will always be by your side. I know one day this will again be "KT's Happy Space". I wish you well and look forward to your entries.
hugs,
greyce

[Debby L]

Sweetie I know and understand...when I lost my father in January 2000, I felt like I lost my world. Mom and I didn't do well together and I felt my only family was my dad...we were alike he and I. I cried when I read your blog. Your pain is real. But pain lets you know you are alive and that you have to continue to document the great memories you have of your father. Within on year of my father passing I started one of the best scrapbooks I had ever done. My father...was a speical man and working through his pain and life - good and bad brought me even closer to him even though he was gone. The pain is now bearable...I remember him with joy and not with what he is missing. When his first great grandchild was born I nearly lost it...but I realized that in her there is a lot of my father, espeically his sense of humor. I'm sorry this is long. My heart breaks for you and your mother. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Happy B-Day to your father.

[Jenn]

Hey there, sounds like this is an extra rough time right now...sending you positive thoughts and a hug from CT...hang in there, it just HAS to get better...

[Rox]

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I have been praying for you. I helped one of my best friend through the loss of her husband, and the only advice I can give you is let your pain out. Keep talking. Never keep it inside. You may think that your friends are tired of listening, but if they are your true friends they will listen, forever! Cry with your family. Share your grief and never stop talking about your wonderful father. It's okay to be sad. Just don't let your grief be your only emotion. Your dad wouldn't want you to be like this forever. It's hard to go on without your dad, but that is how it is from now on. Move on FOR him, he is right there with you, and proud as ever.

[Shelley Haganman]

I can't imagine how hard this is for you! Just know that many people are keeping you in their hearts and to just take it one day at time!Shelley

[Ingrid]

I am really sorry for your pain. I can imagine this is a real hard time for you. Wishing you lots of strength.

[Gaby]

I know how you're feeling! When I lost my dad two years ago (he was 55) I was asking me the same questions: Why he? Why us? Why did I do to deserve this? I've lost my mom just 3 years ago!

When my dad died I feel like the word ended to me, we were best friends!

But my consolation was that we knew ourselves better than most of the daughter/father! I really enjoyed his companion, his jokes, and that is my consolation! I treasure those moments!!!

I hope someday beyond the pain you could live everyday peaceful & with the certainty that your father will be by your side every moment.

At least this is that I like to thing in my case!

Hugs Hon!

[Maija Lepore]

Oh sweetie, my heart just aches for you. My mom died in September, but I knew I was losing her and I didn't have to deal with the sudden shock as well. I keep wondering will I ever be ok again? I spend a part of each day pushing that demon back.
I feel for you, and I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Kelly]

My heart breaks for you and yet I know there is nothing anyone can really say or do to make the pain go away.
I lost my Mom a month ago but had lots of "warning" and it is still so hard. I can not even imagine all you and your family are going through.
I do believe God can make good out of any situation. You and your Dad sound like such wonderful people and there WILL be purpose and good to come...He will use you in a special way someday, somehow.
I"m so sorry though and will keep you and your whole family in my prayers. I too have a site/web biz ( much smaller than yours) but if there is ANYthing I can do to help you with yours please let me know!
Hugs,
Kelly @ Keep In Touch

[corinne delis]

sweetie thank you for the package that you send me, you are too kind. I think you still need to take it step by step, day by day and some days are harder than others. I am thinking of you.

corinnexxx

[staceymichu]

I am so sorry for your loss! I wish you peace in the near future.

[jen o'dea street]

hi katie,

sorry i havent checked your blog in awhile...i've had personal issues of my own, my health has been bad ever since my dad passed in 2004 & i'm disabled now. so i completely understand how you feel...its years later for me & not any easier. i have to take medication to sleep...i needed it before but even worse now, otherwise i still sometimes have dreams & awake crying. it isnt an easy thing to ever go thru...so just do whatever you need to to get thru each day 1 by 1. and i would definitely recommend a psychiatrist & therapist...it can only help...and maybe you need some meds to help w/ the depression & stress for now. as for the store, that is totally your call...even if you have to close it temporarily until you feel better, what matters most is your health & happiness. if you do decide to do a dt call, email me, i know my sis would be happy to help (i of course would love to but cant commit to anything cause of my health, sorry). anyway, email anytime you need to chat. btw, i was the girl who wrote you a few times on myspace, in case you remember that way. i keep praying for you & your family...this will never be easy, and i'm sorry for that...but it is nice to sometimes talk to others who have felt what you are feeling now! =)

xoxo
jen

[KIP]

Just checking in and see the same post. Get up off the couch babe and get on with your life. You
re way too young to wither away. Your dad wouldn't have wanted to see you like that I'm sure. Big hugs.

[Nancy]

Katie, I found your website and blog shortly before your dad's accident and have been praying for you. I have lived through a traumatic loss similar to yours and I want you to hold on to the hope that life will become "normal" again. It will never be the same but it will be full of joy, laughter, tears and new sorrows. Don't give up hope in these dark days of mourning, healing will come when you are ready for it. In the meantime find the joy somewhere in every day for each day comes with it's own special gifts. All we have to do is watch for it.

[Holly Terra]

i think of you often. I pray you find peace soon and that time makes this a little bit easier for you. My thoughts are with you.

Holly Terra

[jen s.]

hi katie. hope you are doing ok. i think of ya'll often & pray that you can find some peace. i'm sure this will be a rough weekend. and its been an incredibly hard few months. if you need to talk, email me anytime!

=)

xoxo
jen

[AnnetteD]

Thinking of you today.